


But I'm Not Depressed, Just Sad Sometimes

by InfiniteInferno



Series: JSE Egos Works [7]
Category: Video Blogging RPF, jacksepticeye
Genre: Angst, Depression, I didn't even give this a once over tbh, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mention of eating disorder, READ THESE TAGS:, both past and possible future, but it kinda has a happy ending?, but it's also ambiguous?, but there ain't gonna be an actual one dw guys, denial of depression, mention and use of antidepressants, mentions of depression, negative thinking, no beta we die like men, or just generally comment something that works too, purposely not taking medication, so if there's any spelling or grammatical errors plz tell me, specifically anorexia, there's like a very indirect sexual innuendo that you can take literally any way you want, this is such angst I can't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteInferno/pseuds/InfiniteInferno
Summary: Chase isn't having a good day and is way too deep into his own thoughts, Marvin goes to check on him.I'm really bad at summaries and titles guys.PLEASE READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING THIS!!
Series: JSE Egos Works [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635349
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	But I'm Not Depressed, Just Sad Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS BEFORE PROCEEDING!! I can't stress this enough! There's really dark themes in here and I want you all to stay safe. If you're going through anything mentioned, please reach out to someone, be it a friend, family member, or professional of some sort. Chase's mindset is not a healthy one, you're allowed to feel whatever emotions you are, no matter your quality of life/situation. Your emotions are valid, and you don't need to compare your situation to someone else's - you shouldn't actually - to somehow feel like you deserve to have the emotions you have. You are entitled to however you feel, no matter what.
> 
> Note: I just realized some of the formatting didn't transfer over (the many strikethroughs I used) (this is why you don't write and publish at 1am without looking over your work at all) (also I added a bit to the note up here because my 1am brain didn't elaborate when it kinda should've lol).

_Ya know, my life really ain’t all that shitty. Sure, I’m going through a divorce, but people break up all the time. No reason to get_ ~~_depressed_~~ _The Big Sad over it. I mean, people would literally kill to be in my position - I have a decent following, I have a loving family who completely accepts me for who I am, even if She couldn’t come to terms with it (even though I told Her that just because I’m bi, it doesn’t mean I cheated on Her. She hasn’t sent any word in weeks but I can’t even check up on Her to see if she’s okay since She moved as far away as possible while still being within the custody agreement). There’s just one tiny thing going on, and I just_ **had** _to ruin my life over it. I just wish Henrik never found me_ ~~_when the gun went off_~~ _after my little accident, or Jackie never found me with too many empty bottles of alcohol to be okay_ ~~_enough to kill_~~ _, or Marvin never found me when I decided to_ ~~_cut myself_~~ _decorate my thigh, or Jameson never noticed how skinny I’d been getting and found out how long I’d been_ ~~_avoiding eating_~~ _dieting for (because I obviously wasn’t attractive enough for Her anymore, and I’d put on a lot of weight since we first started dating), or Anti never found me_ _~~trapped in bed all day and unwilling (unmotivated?) to move~~_ _taking a very lazy day (even when he suggested we do my favorite thing, which he explicitly had said in the past he hated), or Jack never found me on the roof,_ _~~thinking about jumping off~~ _ _sitting on the ledge, legs dangling over the side of the building without a care in the world._

 _Henrik gave me some antidepressants, but I’m not really depressed, so I don’t need them. He always hands me the daily dose, and somehow he believes that I’ll take it whenever I say that I’ll take it in my room - actually no, I know for a fact he’s checked my trash can before, but I’m not one to waste money like that, he just hasn’t found where I hide them yet (in case I want to be really ironic and OD on the things that were supposed to make me feel happy again). No, I don’t need to take anything, all I need is just to realize how dumb I’m being and come to my senses already. My life is perfectly fine, I just need to grow up, stop overreacting, and just be_ normal _\- whatever that even means. So many people are way worse off, so I have no right to complain really. I wonder if anyone would find me this time if I tried ag-_

“Chase? Bud? Did you oversleep again? Or has it just been a rough morning? Either way, come or not but you said you’d try to make it to my show tonight. I’d love to see your face there in the audience. If you don’t I understand, just don’t expect a certain cat to not show up and sleep next to you tonight. But anyway, the show starts at 4, so you got like 3 hours to get up and ready to go.” Marvin’s knock and voice was what pulled Chase from his internal monologue (and at a perfectly convenient time, almost like it was timed specifically to keep him from finishing his highly concerning thought). 

“No, I’m awake,” Chase croaked out, “don’t worry about me though, I’m gonna make an effort to go.”

There was silence for a beat before Marvin hesitantly spoke up, like he’d been debating whether or not to ask before ultimately deciding on doing it. “Have… have you been crying? Are you okay? Your voice sounds uh…”

Chase didn’t even realize tears had been rolling down his face until Marvin asked. He checked the pillow and noticed it was indeed wet, but Marvin couldn’t see it, so of course he decided to lie his way out of it. “Nah, just still groggy I guess?”

Marvin raised an eyebrow in disbelief, which Chase obviously didn’t see, but sighed silently and just responded with “if you say so,” before remembering the other half of why he was there, “oh, by the way, since Hen had to do a shift at the hospital he asked me to give you your meds today. So I brought them, and a bottle of water, ‘cause I didn’t know if you had any.” 

The door handle twisted and Chase’s eyes immediately widened, knowing how concerned Marvin would be if he saw his state and the disaster zone that was his room. All the things he shouldn’t have were littered about his room from last night. Plus, his cover of not crying would be immediately ruined, as he knew his face got extremely red whenever he cried, and that wouldn’t happen if he was just tired. So, he suddenly spoke way too loudly and way too quickly “don’t open the door!” Chase bit his lip, quickly trying to think of an excuse for his outburst before he found one that may or may not work: “I… I don’t have any clothes on…” 

Marvin’s face turned slightly pink at the mention of Chase not being clothed, and he decided to drop it. “Okay, I’ll give them to you when you leave your room. Or right before I leave for the show with the others, whatever happens first - and if it is the second one, well I’m prepared to sacrifice my innocence for helping you.” 

Chase snickered at that comment. “What innocence? ‘Cause I know you ain’t got pure virgin eyes, the walls aren’t _that_ thick dude.” 

“hEY! Why’d nobody tell me?”

“I dunno.”

“I hate you all.”

“Ayy me too! Well, not you guys actually, just one person in here.”

Marvin’s tone suddenly changed from joking to dead serious. “You better not be referring to yourself.”

“Whoopsies?”

“That ain’t a joke Chase. At least, not one for you to make.”

“What, ‘cause I’ve got a track record?” Chase suddenly got extremely defensive, and it showed through his voice.

“YES! That’s exactly the reason why!”

“Fine, fine, whatever. Can you give me a minute to get up at least without you insisting on bugging me?”

Marvin rolled his eyes at that, but tried not to let his feelings affect his tone (even though _of course_ as soon as the conversation got to the subject of his mental health he just pushed the masked man away). “Alright, alright. I’ll let you be.” 

“Thank you.”

Marvin then walked away, leaving Chase alone again. He did decide to get up, knowing that he should probably hide the evidence of last night as best he could. He wasn’t actually nude, so he didn’t need to worry about putting clothes on, which was a relief - he had no idea what he would’ve put on besides probably just something from his floor that he didn’t wear all that recently. _I really should do some laundry soon. Eh, maybe later._

He quickly made sure his face calmed down (wincing at his reflection that he typically avoided) and begrudgingly stepped out of his room to find (or maybe avoid instead- no, Marvin wouldn’t let Chase avoid him) Marvin. When he did, he was wordlessly handed the medicine and a water. He went to pocket the medicine, and just about to claim he would take it later when Marvin spoke up. “Nope, you’re gonna take that right here, right now. In front of me. Henrik would kill me if I couldn’t say with 100% certainty that you took it, so I need to see you do it.”

Chase’s eyes widened in panic, considering he’d literally never taken this before. He’d always found some way to avoid doing it, but Marvin was as stubborn as they get and once he made his mind on something, not even some type of deity that told him to change his mind would influence his actions at all. So, he sucked it up and downed it, all the while knowing this was pointless - he didn’t need to be medicated like this. He was just a little sad for no reason, that’s all. It would eventually fade like all other emotions (although at that point he’d probably just feel numb then do something irrational and painful to get a sense of feeling in him). 

“Thank you. Also, you’re sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” Chase spoke too defensively, too short, too angrily, too _wrong_. But, Marvin decided not to push it, knowing the YouTuber wouldn’t tell him anything no matter what he did and wanted to spare himself the breath. So, the magician instead went back to reviewing his act for the show, looking over each individual thing and making sure he could visualize the scene and everything he had to do and say for it. 

Chase then, once Marvin’s attention moved away from him, went up to his room to put on real clothes and look mostly presentable (for a video at least), then made his way to the recording room and tried to create a video with his current state. It was hard, and he knew editing would be a pain in the ass, as he’d have to cut out so much time, he just hoped he’d reach the 10 minute mark on it. He spent an hour recording, but most of it would probably need to be cut. 

When the time came, he did go and see Marvin’s show like he said he would, and for once didn’t regret leaving the house and feeling genuinely happy. He just wished he could feel like it more often, but he decided not to push his luck. _My life may feel like shit, but I have so much to be grateful for. If only it wasn’t so impossible to see through the mental fog going on in my brain blocking out all the light, only letting the dark through._

**Author's Note:**

> As with every fic on here, comments and kudos are never expected, but always appreciated (even if your comment is just a keysmash it'll honestly make my day)


End file.
